Back again... to say a few things. I started this post last night but it got a little late for my blogging taste. This week I've been feeling a little frazzled, a little "overwhelmed" as some of you who "love me most" like to tease... I found myself in a grumpy mood yesterday when I really had no reason for it. The sun was out and cherry blossoms have started blooming all over. The city seems to have transformed over night! Yet, even with finding my walk to the Hill enhanced with beautiful trees in bloom, I still found myself with a frown on my face and a the eye squint of a true grump! I tried to blame it on the blinding sun, but something was just off! I could see people passing looking at me with caution of my bad aura. What the heck was I so grumpy about? Lack of sleep? (I haven't been tired?), being dressed up and being on the Hill? I wasn't feeling the political scene yesterday. I had to run around to different Congressional offices basically all day getting our Impact Aid House Coalition letter signed (Congressmen/women sign on to our Impact Aid Coalition to show their support). Tony, my co-worker, and I had originally split up the list of a little over 40 offices to visit; but I wound up going back to the Hill in the afternoon to get his assigned list because he had a lot of work to do. I didn't mind at all except that I was kindof on a time constraint in the afternoon so I was running around trying to get all of these signatures in less than 2 hours. It was rough trying to find all of the offices! However, I did meet a potential future husband in one of the Arizona offices. Unfortunately for me, I looked like a wreck and managed to ask for the wrong staff contact... presenting myself as extremely put together and professional, I'm sure. And I spotted him on the metro this morning again? A sign? (I'm crazy and I know it...)
Anyway, I felt like every Hill office I went into was just uptight, and unfriendly, and fake, and too dressed up! and so not my style! I think what frustrates me about this is that I really see the value in making change from a government position, but it just doesn't seem genuine to me at times. Or very productive. I also can't seem to find my place here, either. Starting with pace: This city is so much slower than my NY mentality. In DC, you can stop right in front of the metro dispenser in the morning and no one tramples you, no one yells at you to move... But yesterday on the Hill, everything just seemed crazy and understaffed and boring and anxious. I can't quite explain it. It's like being unproductive and productive at the same time, mixed in with procastination. I guess I'm trying to put some emotion to that fact that DC is extremely reactive. Apparently no one has time to anticipate problems before they are right in your face. Part of me loves having a busy schedule, having to do important things all the time and feeling like I am getting things done, but I also can't deny that the slower pace of life in my own office and general lifestyle here has opened my eyes to the fact that life doesn't always have to be moving at 100 miles a minute, and maybe I'm happier that way? I could maybe see myself enjoying a political position... what I do know is that whatever I do, I want to be where the action is. I want to be part of something that makes a difference on a large scale. I would definitely be afraid though that I would lose myself in the political scene. Let's be honest, you have to have a certain look, a certain way of presenting yourself. I think often about how it would be really hard to not get caught up in it. There is a reason my program teaches us professional development, because there is a specific way to do it. I'm not saying there can't be variation, but what if you just aren't the type of person who has that strong handshake and happy face ready to go every day? Maybe I'm analyzing this too much, maybe being professional is as easy as being polite and kind. But I can't help but ask, where are all of the humans on Capitol Hill?
The discrepancies between the two "types" of Washington, D.C. that I see couldn't be more apparent on Tuesdays. Yesterday especially, I spent the whole day on the Hill (predominantly WHITE, and in my opinion, still very patriarchal), and then after work rushed over to one of the more disadvantaged parts of town to volunteer with a program called Girls on the Run. We work with inner-city pre-teen girls (8-13 years old) on emotional and physical empowerment. The first half an hour we talk about different values, for example yesterday we talked about gratitude and being thankful for things in our lives. We talked about the importance of reflection and meeting our goals. The second half we go on a run, in preparation for a race we have in early May (there will be pictures of that, guaranteed). It was adorable, I got to stand at the midway point of their laps and give them encouragement and high-fives as they ran past. I fell in love on the spot with a girl named Angel who told me she was reflecting on doing good things with her life and getting an education. She also held my hand and gave me hugs (!!), making up for the serious lack of hugs I receive here. I loved working with the younger girls because I can see how it is better to try to get to them earlier. Hence, why my summer in Philadelphia was such a struggle. By the time they are in high school it can be hard to get past that wall they have built up for so long... younger children are still so accepting of everyone. They don't only see everything as "white" and "black" just to make a blunt reference to my own comfort realizations.
But these Tuesday's always point out to me that the difference between black and white America and the segregation that still exists is A REAL THING. As we get closer to my metro stop on the ourskirts of the orange line, I'm almost always left as the only white person on the train. This is also the case as I get on the bus to take me over to the Riverside Community Center. It is not a safe area. I can't help but notice as the girls are running their laps that cop cars are wailing on the street behind us. I can't help but notice someone being arrested as I wait for the bus. I can't help but notice the bums selling drugs to eachother outside the liquor store next to the community center. And these girls, these little girls, they see this everyday. This is their reality. I find myself getting overwhelmed at how powerful this program is. How powerful the existence of the community center in itself is. I found out about this opportunity through my roommate, Andrea, who is interning with a non-profit called Washington, Parks, and People. Part of their mentality is that beautifying parks in bad areas and establishing community centers and programs can help to make a positive change in these communities. I think that is so beautiful. Riverside is right next to Marvin Gaye Park, and volunteers have been going to help with upkeep. There is still a ways to go, but already I just see so much potential for positive change.
Alright, I got a little ahead of myself there. But we all need to find our passions, we all need to get revved up about an issue and do something about it. What are you doing to make a difference in your community?
On a lighter note, I am apparently becoming a vegetarian. On Monday in peace studies we looked at "non-violent eating" and animal rights. After three of those movies about how your meat is prepared (you all know what I'm talking about) in a row, I was convinced. I all of a sudden see the value in not eating meat because it causes harm to animals (though wouldn't you think that is obvious?). That stuff never sticks, I figured I'd go home and eat a hamburger. But I have been trying to eat a turkey sandwich for the past two days now and I just can't bring myself to do it. And I'm going to Whole Foods after work today to stock up on tofu. How did this happen? Reading back it seems like I am changing so much, but I still feel like plain-old Ariel. Or maybe un-plain-old Ariel. Well, I'd rather be crazy and changing than the same and boring! I want to hear from everyone soon!! XOX.
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It's really awesome that you're realizing all these things around in your everyday life in DC. I feel like a lot of people are surrounded by things like this such as the inequalities and the juxtapositions (ironically so) of everyday life (ALL AROUND Tunisia btw) and don't even notice it. However, it's people like you who end up changing those things (and apparently also like your roommate) and I don't know, it's refreshing to hear.
ReplyDeleteIt kind of reminds me of my summer experiences the past 2 summers (getting kids before high school) and my experience here with a local NGO empowering women and giving them skills they need to make an income for their family in an underprivileged community. Even little things can make such a difference. (and within us also)
Sooo.. maybe something beyond CARES for you and me next semester??
I love you and I cannot wait to exchange so many stories etc. when we are back! I really enjoy reading!!
xoxo
You have a lot going on it looks like. Welcome to real life by the way. Everything you see on your Tuesdays is just the pernicious repition of the cycle those people's parents probably went through. Im glad you are at least trying to make a difference. That is something that is hard to do. On a lighter note, I don't know about the vegan thing. Don't you need iron. Plus, you can always eat like free range foods.
ReplyDeleteYEAH VEGETARIANS!
ReplyDeleteWOW, did not see that coming! YEAH VEGETARIANS x2! Reading your blog definitely makes me inspired to keep trying to make a positive difference. I'm so proud to have a sister like you (as corny as that is)!! I can't believe you got stuck in an elevator..wait actually i can. anyway i think what you're realizing, observing, and doing is truly priceless (and refreshing) and hopefully what you're seeing and learning will help you make your efforts that much more valuable and widespread. can't wait to see you in a few weeks! xox
ReplyDeleteWow Ariel, what an inspiring blog post! I think you would have a LOT to say about the French and the constant strikes going on around here and the "impact" of them on social change. It is so different from American politics!!
ReplyDeleteYou've also inspired me to volunteer somewhere this summer! Let's hope I stick to that plan!
Here's a long one hahaha as usual....
ReplyDelete“I found myself in a grumpy mood yesterday when I really had no reason for it. I could see people passing looking at me with caution of my bad aura. What the heck was I so grumpy about? Lack of sleep? (I haven't been tired?), being dressed up and being on the Hill? I wasn't feeling the political scene yesterday.”
Here it goes haha. It is a good question to ask… “Why do I feel the way I do right now?” It definitely is a good question. But one can overemphasize the focus put on that and in turn be too hard on their self for that feeling. Me: “Why am I so anxious right now?! It’s just going to class, it’s no big deal. I should not be feeling this anxious!” I have felt that process happen many a time haha. There is a HUGE difference between thinking and worrying. People often say they are thinking too much when it isn’t that, it is that they are worrying too much. When I think about why I am feeling the way I am, it is objective and with compassion. But when I worry about why I am feeling the way I am then it is with anger and frustration towards myself. It’s that should that distinguishes an objective, compassionate thought from a worry.
There are primary emotions and secondary emotions. We would like to be in touch with our true selves. We would like to feel deeply our primary feelings because that is natural! That is human! But the majority of people feel a secondary emotion and it can be feeling anxious, grumpy, annoyed/irritated, “upset,” sad, and I’m sure there are many others. But there is generally an emotion at the root of that feeling. That is the primary emotion. When I am anxious it is generally because I am worried about myself in one way or another. I am worried about how I will “perform” in certain situations essentially. At the root of that worry is anger; anger towards myself for not being perfect. We all can intellectualize about it and say, “pfffttt of course I’m not perfect that would be absurd!” But intellectualizing and deeply realizing and understanding are two different things. Anger is the primary emotion here, BUT there is something behind the anger too; the true reason. I am angry with myself because I am not completely accepting my rights as a human Being. As a human Being we have the right to make mistakes, to “look stupid”, and to be imperfect most of the time! I say most of the time because sometimes we do operate at 100%. We can sometimes write a perfect paper, play a perfect game of golf, say something perfect in the perfect moment etc. etc. But it is very unrealistic and mean to ourselves to expect us to operate at 100% all of the time or even a lot of the time haha. You know 80% is really good! And sometimes we wake up in a bad mood and we operate at 40% or less all day. So!? Haha. What’s the problem? As a human we must become aware of and accept our rights as living Beings. One of the central rights in Being, is Being imperfect. The more I become aware of this the more I begin to accept my rights as a human and the less hard I am on myself.
“I looked like a wreck and managed to ask for the wrong staff contact... presenting myself as extremely put together and professional, I'm sure…”
See above paragraph haha. Sometimes we feel better than other days, sometimes we “look better” (to ourselves) than we do on other days…but when it comes to looks you are not really in a position to judge yourself. I am nearly neutral about the way I look. There are a few things that can bother me of course, but the quality of appearance is SO SO subjective that no one can reaaallllyyy know if they look like a wreck or if they look completely normal to other people or maybe beautiful. Of course you must know that the majority of things I say are not absolutes. If a person doesn’t bathe for 2 years and they have poo all over themselves then I would say that it is mostly objective to say that they look like a wreck haha. But even that can be objective.
“Anyway, I felt like every Hill office I went into was just uptight, and unfriendly, and fake, and too dressed up! and so not my style! I think what frustrates me about this is that I really see the value in making change from a government position, but it just doesn't seem genuine to me at times.”
And
“I want to be part of something that makes a difference on a large scale. I would definitely be afraid though that I would lose myself in the political scene. Let's be honest, you have to have a certain look, a certain way of presenting yourself. I think often about how it would be really hard to not get caught up in it. There is a reason my program teaches us professional development, because there is a specific way to do it. I'm not saying there can't be variation, but what if you just aren't the type of person who has that strong handshake and happy face ready to go every day? Maybe I'm analyzing this too much, maybe being professional is as easy as being polite and kind. But I can't help but ask, where are all of the humans on Capitol Hill?”
Duuuuhhhh hahaha. Of course it’s not your style! Neither is it mine! Just because you have a position in the government doesn’t mean you have to conform to this MASTER WAY OF PRESENTING YOURSELF. Hahaha. It is possible to win an election or work in the government and still be silly and not serious! It’s just that hardly anyone does that. But it CAN be done. It just takes knowledge, confidence, and compassion. With those things you get support and then it is very possible for a representative to do serious work in a non-serious way! It’s just like working in the Non-Profit sector. At Save we are constantly looking at how many children are dying and suffering in conflict torn or undeveloped regions. It is serious work! But if you go about it in a serious way (like a lot of people do) then their suffering will drag you down. And it is from a place of peace and silliness where one can accomplish the most things. You can Be genuine in a fake/serious environment! It is possible! It just takes an enormous amount of confidence in yourself and a relatively high level of self worth.
Honestly, people only think there is a specific way to do it! Hahaha. There is no specific way. There is only the way you want to do it! What is natural for you? Do that! If you are true to yourself, aware of your “center that cannot be defiled,” kind to yourself and to others, then whatever being “professional” actually means, you don’t need to do that. Professional to me just means that it is appropriate to dress nice most of the time haha. That’s all. The rest is up to you. But so many people believe that there is a set concept of professionalism that cannot be flexible! “Black suit, black shoes, blue or red tie (usually)! You have to do it!” hahaha. NOPE. No you don’t. That has nothing to do with being successful or making a difference.
“It's like being unproductive and productive at the same time, mixed in with procastination.”
May I introduce you to the bureaucratic process? Haha. So much is going on and yet so little is getting done.
“…but I also can't deny that the slower pace of life in my own office and general lifestyle here has opened my eyes to the fact that life doesn't always have to be moving at 100 miles a minute, and maybe I'm happier that way?”
Maybe we all are. In my opinion it is more natural to be slow than to be running people over because you have places to be and people to see. Compassion makes you run slowly. It is because in Being compassionate we are remaining mindful of the tiniest action (not worrying about it though hehe, just peacefully mindful). So we do not run people over when we are mindful, we walk slowly and act slowly (sometimes) so that we can be sure that our actions are not going to damage anyone else. Life is too short to go so fast through it.
“By the time they are in high school it can be hard to get past that wall they have built up for so long... younger children are still so accepting of everyone. They don't only see everything as "white" and "black" just to make a blunt reference to my own comfort realizations.”
You are correct. The earlier you reach them the better. But even up until someone is in their mid twenties it is much easier to reach them than people who are older than that. You can reach people who are older than that, but it takes years of work. I would say middle from ages 0-15 are the easiest in most cases. And then 15-22ish aren’t asss easy, but they can still be worked with. And after that it takes much more to change someone’s perception of what is true. Kids do see things a lot in black and white though haha, but if they haven’t been conditioned too much to see things like that then they may still be maintaining their “child like innocence.”
"A child-like man is not a man whose development has been arrested; on the contrary, he is a man who has given himself a chance of continuing to develop long after most adults have muffled themselves in the cocoon of middle-aged habit and convention." - Aldous Huxley
“I all of a sudden see the value in not eating meat because it causes harm to animals.”
It is OK to eat meat if you are not in a place yet where you feel that animals are beautiful Beings who don’t deserve to be murdered. I’m just saying that because, like I said before, the first two years I was a vegetarian I was a guilt-based vegetarian, and we wouldn’t like anything we do to be based around guilt. But I know there are the other arguments like the impact on the environment and stuff, so you could be doing it for that in a non guilt-based way I suppose hehe.
“but I still feel like plain-old Ariel. Or maybe un-plain-old Ariel. Well, I'd rather be crazy and changing than the same and boring!”
bahahaha! Definitely un-plain (not old) Ariel haha. The “same old Ariel” feeling could be you recognizing that you are becoming aware of new things. You will still feel the “same” in a way for quite a while, but eventually once you have torn down the dam and released the river of transformation so to speak then you will feel like you are a new you every single moment! Of course, there is always a certain core personality that will always be with you….The transformed Ariel will actually be the oldest Ariel haha because it is the you that is free and natural. The you that is ACTUALLY YOU. That would be you Being from your center. =)
Namaste friend